14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
You Might Also Like
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
They got a point!
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
The only equipped I am is ill.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.