I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
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Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.