Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
You Might Also Like
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Herpes is trending, good job people
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
I needed a laugh this morning.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking