I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
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I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Hitlers gonna hitl
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Not recommended for beginners.
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”