Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
my dad has had enough
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles