Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
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Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
A roof is a house hat.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”