great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
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Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
Banderslack Clamberdorch
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
My wife gives the best headache.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!