I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
You Might Also Like
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.