This kid will have a bright future.
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guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.