whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
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I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.