Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
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I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!