A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
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I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.