*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
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There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.