Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
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My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
me and the Superbowl rn
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Bed should get ready for ME
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.