MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
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I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
When your parents check you’re ok.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*