If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
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HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
The news
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.