[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
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I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
shut up and take my money
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…