Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
You Might Also Like
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people