[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
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[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please