Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
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My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.