In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
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I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.