My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
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Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.