you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
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A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.