Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
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I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
So true for me
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.