For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.