ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
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My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
#parenting
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”