What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
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11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
This cat wants you to take your pills
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.