Always…
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Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Help Wanted
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”