Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.