Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
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I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers