my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*