My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.