last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
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Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.