*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*