(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?