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beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Finally! 😈
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Trying
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.