me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
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I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
my mind
You just read my mind
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house