I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
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HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Still cracks me up
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?