Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
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*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks