My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
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Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
time for some seasonal decor
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
If you need a laugh.. 😅
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Mmmm canned fish.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party