I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
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The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
This trial is so absurd 😭
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?