Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
the official breakfast of 2021
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.