[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
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“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Wednesday
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Godspeed, John Glenn
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.