Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
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dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?