[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
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If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Me: *mouth full* When pizza’s on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime.
Widow: I still think you could have waited until after the service.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*