It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
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[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Doggies just call it style.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.