Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
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Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.