Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
You Might Also Like
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?