When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
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GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )