Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
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“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
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